Zero to Hero: Choosing to run away

For a lot of athletes, they know when they will play their last match or run their last race, it’s usually when they’re graduating high school or college. That’s how I always pictured it. I pictured being a four year NCAA athlete and being able to say that I lived out my dream.

But when does life ever go as planned? Today I’m sharing my story of why I quit cross country and transferred colleges. It’s a story that’s hard to tell, and although I don’t enjoy it, this is my story and it has played a large role in my future.

• 

The day I lost running

On a foggy day in December I dragged myself out of bed for a cool afternoon run. I didn’t feel like running that day, but my philosophy has always been from that quote, “smooth seas never made a skilled sailor.” So I toughed it out and put my running shoes on for a little stress relieving run. My Organic Chemistry final was the next day, and my grade was barely hanging on by a thread. Running was my way to escape reality, and I needed a run that day.

But what I got instead was something that would change everything. My passion, my drive, my grades, and my life.

I noticed a vehicle driving slowly behind me as I began my run on campus. I knew it was weird the second I saw it, so I pretended to tie my shoe and ran the other way. The vehicle then followed me to the campus exit to the main road, which was weird, but I figured that maybe the driver was just lost getting off campus.

There were only two roads on my campus. People don’t get lost, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, giving people the benefit of the doubt can lead to very bad consequences.

And that’s what almost happened to me.

The vehicle continued to follow me from the main road to a neighborhood a couple of miles from campus, where I ended up on a dead end road. I was so nervous at this point, I was in a quiet neighborhood with no escape and I couldn’t avoid the vehicle anymore. I had done everything I could to be a safe runner. I always ran the opposite way of traffic, I never wore headphones, I was vigilant, I even made sure I dressed modest to avoid attention. I tried so hard to be invisible but it didn’t work.

The car he drove is still present in my mind. Windows tinted impossibly dark. No license plates. Everything needed to keep your anonymity. It was almost like he was trying to be as invisible as I was. Maybe that’s why he targeted me?

In a split second, I dashed in front of the vehicle and ended up running onto a lawn where a lady was gardening. That sweet lady saved me. I don’t want to know what my fate would have been if she were not out gardening that afternoon.

The man in the vehicle kept asking me to come over and all I could say was “no.” I could barely get it out, I was shaking, almost crying, and the lady exclaimed “I’m calling the police.” That scared the man off, and whoever else might had been in the car. Who would have thought an older woman with a trowel would save your life?

The icing on the cake

Almost getting kidnapped sucks. I filed a police report, the school sent an email to all the students to be vigilant, my professors made exceptions for me, and it all sucked. I entered a period of fear and a very unhealthy point in my life.

But just one week later, while I was eating pizza, now finished with the semester at home in California, things got worse.

I began receiving texts from a coach at my college. I thought they were just messages reaching out, as he sounded like he was recruiting players from my area and wanted to know if I’ve heard of them. And then he started talking about me.

• 

“I think you’re the best thing that’s ever came out of your high school”

“I remember when I first saw you a year ago”

“I’ve had a crush on you since”

And on and on and on.

The whole time I ran cross country, I felt so lucky to have coaches that believed in me. Having good coaches made me believe in myself and my potential. And my other coaches were great and I am still thankful for everything they’ve thought me. But this coach was the final straw.

“Running no longer made me feel confident, it made me feel like I was a moving target.“

After the incident before my Organic Chemistry final, the one thing I looked forward to coming back to college was running with the comfort of my cross country team. But it didn’t feel right anymore. The school didn’t feel right and the sport didn’t feel right. I can’t think about memories with that coach without feeling uncomfortable. The whole cross country season he wasn’t encouraging me because I was improving as a runner, he was giving me compliments because he had a crush on me. Running no longer made me feel confident, it made me feel like I was a moving target.

No more running

I went from being a girl, new to running and excited for the future, to being a homebody without any confidence. Running had empowered me, as it should, and it took just two moments for it to be taken away from me.

• 

I never wanted to feel so powerless again. I stopped running. I figured it was safer to stay home than to run on the streets. I vowed to do at home workout and pick out a newer safer hobby. However, my goals were replaced with the comfort of my “safe” sedentary lifestyle and I lost interest in exercising for almost a full year, gaining 40 lbs with it. My dream of being an NCAA athlete had come and gone.

Two years later

After my year of couch sitting, french fry eating, and Netflix binge watching, I found hope. Moving to Fort Collins gave me the encouragement I needed to run again. It wasn’t until after my first run around the neighborhood that I realized I broke the cycle. I was a runner again. It was a challenge to build up my aerobic capacity, but once I began to exercise again, I found myself. I was confident, I had friends, I was thriving in school, and I was full of adventure again.

However, last week, I was running around some trails in town, and I found myself on one I was unfamiliar with and was oddly isolated in comparison to the others. An odd man slowly passed me on a bicycle more than once and I immediately felt uncomfortable with the situation. I quickly shared my location with a friend along with a text “just for safety.” I just had a feeling that something was wrong. I made it home fine.

Two days later, I was checking my Facebook, where someone I knew shared a news article saying a girl was sexually assaulted by a man on a bicycle just days ago on that very spot of the trail. She went to the hospital. It could have been me.

I feel like as someone studying health promotion, I should have an idea about what to do with this problem that is so common for female runners. But I don’t. I think I always do everything safely but there are some things that are just out of my control. No matter what I wear, how I run, or how vigilant I am, I can’t take away the risk. I want to be an independent runner but it breaks my heart that we are victimized for being women. I absolutely hate it. The only advice I can give is to trust your instinct. If the situation feels wrong, or if for some unknown reason you don’t think a run is a good idea that moment, don’t do it. One run is not worth the risk. I learned this the hard way and I wish no other girl would.

Today, I am not a 4 year stud athlete, All American, or a team captain. I am a woman who loves to run. I am confident and independent. I lived my dream and I have had an unbelievable amount of oppourutnies come my way since leaving my athletic career behind. Choosing to run away from college sports was the most difficult decision I ever made, but I don’t regret it at all. I can’t change the experiences I’ve had, I can only learn from them. Thanks for hearing my story so far! Stay tuned!

I apologize for the delay posting this installment of Zero to Hero. It has been difficult relive the memories that ended my XC career. Since I’m leaving y’all on a low note, my next post in the series is all about how I bounced back. Hope to see you there!